HIV is not a verdict. It is a reason to look at your life from a different angle and get to love every moment of it.
That is exactly what Amina, the protagonist of this story who lives with HIV, did. She went through the dark side of self-tortures, reflections, and suicidal attempts to realize that every minute is precious and HIV is what helped her to become strong, independent and happy.
Amina works in the Tajikistan Network of Women Living with HIV. She found herself in this field and nowadays she is actively involved in the Antistigma project implemented within the Bridging the Gaps programme.
How I learned about my status
“In 2012, I got pregnant for the fourth time. Seven months into my pregnancy, I got tested for HIV within the routine health monitoring. Four weeks after, I was asked to come to the clinic and was told that they detected haemolysis in my blood. I got tested again. My doctor told me the result of this second test after my baby was already born.
HIV. The diagnosis sounded like a verdict. What should I do? How should I live? Where can I get accurate information? My conversations with health workers were not very informative. Nobody told me that one can live an absolutely normal life with the virus. I felt that I was alone, left somewhere in the middle of an ocean. I had my baby in my arms, my husband who injected drugs was in prison. Back then, I hoped that I could tell at least my mother about the diagnosis to make it easier for me. However, the virus drove us apart. My mother, who took care of me for all my life, turned her back on me. At the same time, my three-month-old daughter, who also had HIV, died of pneumocystis pneumonia. I hated myself so much that I even had suicidal thoughts. I took some gas oil, matches… If not for my brother, who saw me, I would have burned myself. Then I remember a handful of pills, an ambulance and another failed attempt to kill myself. I felt that I was completely alone on this dark road of life. I started losing weight and falling into depression”.
Through suicidal attempts to the new life
“Two years passed, and my suicidal thoughts started to gradually go away. I had to go on living. Throughout all this time, I kept ignoring my status, but I was searching for the information on HIV in the internet. I was not even thinking about ARVs, I was not ready for the therapy. Sometimes I did not believe that I had HIV as doctors kept telling me that HIV was a disease of sex workers.
After a while, I came to the AIDS centre with a clear intention to start ART. I passed all the required examinations and told the infectious disease doctor that I wanted to start the treatment. Six months after, I already had an undetectable viral load! I believed in myself, in my results, so I wanted to share this knowledge with all the people who found themselves in similar situations. That’s how I started working at the AIDS centre as a volunteer and later as a peer consultant”.
I am happy!
“HIV helped me to start a new life. I am happy – I help people, I am doing something good for the society working at the Tajikistan Network of Women Living with HIV. Recently, I was the coordinator of the Photo Voice project.
I want to keep people who find themselves in similar situations from repeating my mistakes. I want to protect them from unfair attitude, stigma and discrimination against PLWH as well as different conflicts, in particular based on gender.
In 2019, I gave birth to a baby. My boy is healthy. Just recently, with the help of the Photovoices project I disclosed my HIV status to my older sons. Before that, I wanted to keep that as a secret, but after training and meetings with women within the framework of this project, I decided that I need to open my status. For me it was the scariest thing to do as I thought that they might not accept me as my mother did. However, I did not have to worry. My children hugged me and said that I am the best mother in the world. Now I’m a happy wife of my husband, whom I convinced to start opioid substitution treatment.
HIV helped me to be happy and independent! I am not afraid to say that I have HIV and I love every minute of my life!”
